How to Talk to Donors About Planned Giving
By Rhen Hoehn, Director of Marketing
Most development officers don't avoid planned giving because they doubt its value. They avoid it because they are intimidated. What How do you sit across from a seventy-eight-year-old parishioner and raise the subject of her will without making the moment strange.
This article will give you the language: the discovery questions, the pivot, the response when a donor brings it up first, the normalizing sentence for when she hasn't, and the point at which you should stop talking and call your pastor.
Contents
- Why does the planned giving conversation fail before it starts?
- Who actually makes planned gifts?
- How do you build a planned giving prospect list from data you already have?
- How do you open a conversation about planned giving?
- How do you exercise pastoral judgment, and when should you stop?
- How do you handle the awkward moments?
- Frequently asked questions
- Where to go from here
Why does the planned giving conversation fail before it starts?
The foundational error in planned giving conversations is opening with financial mechanics. A fundraiser who leads with bequest language, tax efficiency, or gift annuities has already misread the moment. Planned gifts flow from identity and affection, not financial optimization. A donor includes your parish in her will because of what the parish is to her; the giving vehicle is a detail she and her attorney sort out afterward.
This matters practically, not just spiritually. Open with mechanics and you become a "product explainer," so her only real response is to evaluate the product. Open with mission and she tells you about her relationship with the work. One produces a polite deferral; the other produces information you can use for years.
| Mechanics-first opening | Mission-first opening | |
|---|---|---|
| What you say first | "I wanted to tell you about a way of giving that has real tax advantages." | "What has this ministry meant to you over the years?" |
| Role you take on | Explainer of financial products | Someone who wants to understand |
| Donor's likely response | "Let me talk to my accountant." | A story, a memory, a name |
| What you learn | Whether she's interested today | Why she gives, who she gives for, what she fears losing |
| Where it goes next | A follow-up call she may not take | A second visit she looks forward to |
If giving is an act of discipleship rather than a transaction, the conversation has to begin where discipleship begins: with the person. We develop that argument in why Catholics make planned gifts.
Who actually makes planned gifts?
The strongest planned giving prospect in most Catholic organizations is a long-tenured, modest-capacity, deeply attached donor, not the wealthiest name on your list.
In our experience, the donor who has given a small gift every year for thirty years is a better legacy prospect than the wealthy household that gives sporadically at a much higher level. Loyalty predicts legacy. Capacity determines size, but the intention must exist first.
That is good news for a shop of one: you don't need a wealth screening subscription to begin, only the signals already sitting in your donor file and your memory of conversations.
The behavioral signals checklist. Run any name against these. Two or three matches is a real signal; four or more means you should be scheduling a visit.
- [ ] Possessive language about the organization. The donor says "my parish," "my school," "our sisters," not "the parish" or "your school." A telling verbal cue there is, and it costs nothing to notice.
- [ ] Long, unbroken giving tenure. Consecutive years matter more than gift size.
- [ ] Consistency over magnitude. Same gift, same month, every year, without being asked twice.
- [ ] No dependent children, or adult children who are financially self-sufficient. Estate capacity is often about obligations more than assets.
- [ ] Engagement beyond writing checks. Volunteers, lectors, event regulars, committee members, people who answer your emails in paragraphs.
- [ ] They have already raised their estate with someone on staff. A remark to the parish secretary counts. So does "we've updated our wills."
- [ ] Giving that stepped up after a milestone. A jubilee, a funeral, a conversion, a grandchild's baptism, retirement.
- [ ] Multi-generational connection. Children or grandchildren who attended the school, or family names on older gift records.
Notice what isn't on this list: home value, estimated net worth, club membership. Those help you size a conversation you're already having. They don't tell you whether it should happen.
How do you build a planned giving prospect list from data you already have?
A planned giving prospect screen is a repeatable report you run against your own giving history, filtered for tenure and narrowed by relationship knowledge. It takes an afternoon.
- Pull a giving history report filtered to donors with ten or more consecutive years of giving. Ten is the working threshold; longer tenure strengthens the signal, but ten is where the list gets long enough to be useful.
- Sort that pool by cumulative lifetime giving, not by last gift or largest gift. Cumulative giving has been shown to be a more significant indicator for planned giving.
- Cut it to a working list you can act on. For most parishes and schools that's a few dozen names, not hundreds. If the list runs long, raise the tenure threshold rather than the giving threshold.
- Read the CRM notes on every name. Look for three things: personal comments about what the mission has meant to them, family situation, and engagement that annual fund participation wouldn't predict.
- Flag everyone who has referenced the mission personally. Those flags are your first cultivation conversations, in flag order.
- Schedule five visits. Not a mailing. Visits or thank-you calls with five planned giving prospects this quarter. Without a formal program in place, that's the most productive planned giving action available to you.
If your CRM notes are thin, this exercise will expose it, and that itself is worth the afternoon. Start recording the personal detail stories from every visit: the name of the grandchild who is now involved with the organization, the year they arrived in the parish, the teacher they still talk about. That field is your planned giving pipeline.
Wealth screening, where you have it, earns its keep one way: flagging donors who are asset-rich and cash-conservative, better suited to a gift of appreciated property than to another cash appeal. Useful context, but no product will tell you who says "my parish."
How do you open a conversation about planned giving?
Your opening should be a listening posture, not a script you deliver. Your job in the first twenty minutes is to ask questions and then stay quiet long enough that the donor fills the silence. The questions below are ordered: reflection first, then goals, then the pivot.
Start with what the mission has meant to them. These two questions do more work than anything else in this article:
"What has this ministry meant to you over the years?"
"Is there a moment when you felt the mission really come alive?"
Both invite the donor to narrate her own relationship with the work rather than react to yours. Ask one, wait. Ask the second only if the first didn't open anything.
Then move to intent. PG Calc's donor engagement guidance recommends two open-ended questions that surface motivation in a way no presentation of giving vehicles ever will:
"In the best of all possible worlds, what would you do to support this mission?"
"What's your number one concern about your long-term giving?"
The second question is valuable. Concerns are actionable: a donor worried about outliving her assets needs a different conversation than one worried about her children fighting over the house.
Then the pivot. One sentence, asked once:
"Have you ever thought about what you'd like that relationship to look like long into the future?"
This question opens a door. It does not push the donor through it. If she steps toward it, follow at her pace. If she changes the subject, the subject is changed; note it in the CRM and let the relationship continue exactly as warmly as before. A deflected pivot is not a failed visit, but a donor who feels pressured is.
What if the donor has never raised the subject?
For donors who haven't opened the door themselves, you can normalize the topic inside a stewardship visit without aiming it at the individual:
"Some of our most faithful donors have found that including us in their estate plans is a meaningful way to continue something they've already built over decades."
This sentence does two things at once: it tells her this is normal behavior among people like her, and it makes no request. She can pick it up or let it pass, and either way the visit stays comfortable.
Timing rules out several settings entirely. Don't introduce planned giving during a high-pressure annual fund push, in a group where private discernment is impossible, or at a moment of personal crisis. A quiet one-on-one visit, a thank-you call with no ask attached, or a follow-up after a mission event are the natural openings, following the same principle behind our outreach scripts.
What if the donor raises it first?
Learn to hear the door opening, because it usually opens without the words "planned giving" anywhere nearby:
"I want to make sure this school is here for my grandchildren."
"I've been thinking about what happens to my estate."
Neither is a question about bequest language, and answering as though it were closes the door you were handed. Affirm the sentiment, ask one follow-up. When a donor raises estate giving outright, the right response is gratitude plus a low-pressure offer:
"We are so grateful when donors think about us that way. I'd love to share some ways others have done that whenever that would be helpful to you."
"Whenever that would be helpful to you" hands the timing back to the donor, where it belongs, and it works just as well when the disclosure arrives at a hard moment (a diagnosis or a recent death), where any forward motion from you would be a mistake.
How do you exercise pastoral judgment, and when should you stop?
Pastoral judgment in a legacy conversation is the discipline of recognizing when your role has reached its limit. These conversations touch mortality, family, and the meaning of a person's life. You are not a financial consultant in them, and many of us are not qualified to be a spiritual director either. Knowing the boundary is the skill.
Family is where this gets complicated most often. Adult children have inheritance expectations. Spouses hold different convictions about giving. A donor weighing a substantial legacy gift may not have told her family, and may be anticipating a fight. When you notice a donor who is grieving, isolated, or under family pressure, slow down; do not lean in. And if she changes her mind, that is entirely her right; the relationship continues with the warmth it had before.
| Do | Don't |
|---|---|
| Listen more than you speak in any conversation that touches mortality, grief, or life transition | Conduct legal or estate planning conversations beyond your competence |
| Offer information only as the donor asks for it | Encourage giving in a way that creates family conflict |
| Follow up with a personal, handwritten note | Press for a commitment during an emotionally vulnerable moment |
| Let the donor set the pace and the next step | Pivot to estate planning right after news of a loss or a diagnosis |
Prayer belongs in these conversations as an honest expression of who you are, never as a technique. When a donor shares something personal about her family or her mortality, the response is short:
"I will keep you and your family in my prayer."
Then stop. Don't append anything about the mission.
The four escalate-to-clergy triggers
Four situations exceed what a development officer should carry alone. In each, your job is to recognize the moment and hand off gracefully to your pastor, a chaplain, or a lay minister:
- A donor who is actively grieving.
- A donor navigating a terminal illness.
- A donor expressing spiritual anxiety about death or the afterlife.
- A donor raising theological questions about the meaning of legacy giving.
Number four surprises people. A donor asking whether it's right to direct money to the Church rather than to her children is asking a genuinely theological question. Answer it as a fundraiser and you'll answer it badly. Bring in a priest and you'll have served both the donor and the relationship. This is the collaborative model the International Catholic Stewardship Council and the National Catholic Development Conference both advocate: development working alongside clergy so the right person provides the accompaniment.
The ethical floor
AFP's current Guidelines to the Code of Ethical Standards set a clear floor for this work. They identify as unethical both manipulating a donor who is vulnerable because of age, infirmity, illness, impairment, or dependence, and assuming the role of personal friend, confidant, or caretaker in order to influence an estate or financial support decision.
The second is the issue a well-intentioned Catholic fundraiser is most likely to walk into. Visiting a lonely widow every week is a good thing to do. Visiting her every week because she has no heirs is not, and the difference is entirely in your intent. If you can't answer honestly why you're on her porch, don't go.
How do you handle the awkward moments?
Most awkward moments come from the fundraiser trying to take back control of a conversation that was going fine. Every recovery below works by giving control away.
| What happens | What not to do | What to say or do instead |
|---|---|---|
| "I've already got that taken care of" | Ask what's in the will | Thank her, ask whether you may note the intention so the organization can plan |
| "I need to leave everything to my kids" | Argue, or float a percentage | Agree without hesitation. Note that some donors name the parish as a contingent or residual beneficiary so family is provided for first, then leave it there |
| "That's between me and my attorney" | Apologize at length | "Of course. I'm grateful you've been so faithful to us for so long." Change the subject and mean it |
| Donor goes quiet after your pivot | Fill the silence with mechanics | Let the silence sit. Then: "I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I mostly wanted you to know how much you've meant to this place" |
| Donor discloses a diagnosis | Anything resembling a next step | Offering prayers. Then a handwritten note two days later with no ask in it |
| A technical question you can't answer | Guess | "I don't want to get that wrong; let me find out and get back to you." Refer anything touching her documents to her attorney |
| Adult child calls to object | Defend the gift | Refer to the donor's attorney rather than negotiating with the family, and step back |
And the one that comes up constantly: a donor who welcomes the conversation and then goes quiet for a year has not said no. Stay in the relationship.
Frequently asked questions
What's the best way to start a planned giving conversation with a donor?
Start with what the mission has meant to them, not with how a gift would work. "What has this ministry meant to you over the years?" is the highest-yield opening sentence available. Ask it, stop talking, and let the answer set the direction of the visit.
How do I ask for a legacy gift without it feeling like an ask?
Reframe it as a question about the future of an existing relationship rather than a request for money: "Have you ever thought about what you'd like that relationship to look like long into the future?" Ask once, don't repeat it, and follow the donor's lead on pace.
Should I mention taxes or gift vehicles in the first conversation?
Only if the donor asks. Discussing mechanics before intent exists makes you an explainer of products instead of a person who wants to understand. When she does ask, answer what you know, decline what you don't, and refer anything involving her documents to her attorney.
How do I identify planned giving prospects without a wealth screening tool?
Filter your giving history for donors with ten or more consecutive years of giving, sort by cumulative lifetime total, then narrow using CRM notes and personal knowledge. Longer tenure strengthens the signal. Loyalty and engagement predict a legacy intention better than estimated capacity does.
What do I say if a donor tells me they're dying?
"I will keep you and your family in my prayer." Then stop. Don't connect it to the mission, raise a gift, or schedule a follow-up. Send a handwritten note afterward, and bring your pastor or a chaplain into the relationship.
When should I hand the conversation to a priest?
Four triggers: active grief, terminal illness, spiritual anxiety about death or the afterlife, and theological questions about what legacy giving means. Recognizing the moment and handing off gracefully is the professional response, not a retreat.
How long does it take a legacy conversation to produce a gift?
Longer than any other kind of fundraising, and the timeline isn't yours to control. Documented intentions often follow the first conversation by years, and gifts arrive later still. Judge this work by conversations held and intentions recorded, not by gifts received this year.
Where to go from here
If planned giving at your organization currently consists of a bulletin line and a hope, the sequence is simple: run the prospect screen, pick five names, schedule five visits with no agenda but gratitude. For the wider program, including policies, marketing, and stewardship after the commitment, start with our complete guide to Catholic planned giving.
Petrus trains development officers to have these conversations well. If you'd like help getting yours ready, let's talk about coaching.
This article is written for fundraising professionals and does not constitute legal or tax advice. Donors considering any planned gift involving estate documents, trust agreements, or beneficiary designations should consult a qualified estate planning attorney. Organizations should consult their own counsel and their diocesan development office before accepting complex gifts.
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